Determined and Vicious: a conversation with the Wuhan Virus

March 24, 2020

By Yiltiz

An Exclusive Interview With The Wuhan Virus
(Feuilleton)

Today I received a letter from an avid listener. It read: “You are a veteran journalist who has spoken with officials in China who rarely accept interviews from independent journalists; could you interview the Wuhan Virus and ask what or who it is and what its final goal is?”

I never ignore a listener’s request, so I caught up the neck of a Wuhan Virus while I was washing my hands and extended my microphone to him. Despite having been reputed as unprecedentedly merciless, the virus was sincere and outspoken, and, unlike the hypocritical politicians, his response was direct and precise. Please review the following interview with your mask:

Wuhan Virus: I Want To Marry Xi Jinping

Q: Where are you originally from?
A: China! China!
Q: Why are you so proud of your birth country?
A: Because the stomachs of the Chinese people are more colorful, and in them, I can prosper. There, I can find everything on earth, from bat to beetle, from dog to pigeon, and etc.
Q: Because of the country’s history of extreme poverty, Chinese people have had to survive by learning to eat everything that moves. Why don’t you have mercy on them?
A: I soaked up my mercilessness from the Chinese Communist Party (CCP). Its success grew as it increased its cruelty, and I want to be a superpower too!
Q: The Taiwanese have almost the same food culture as the people of China, why didn’t you go there?
A: I didn’t want to waste my time, because that is where my enemy—the free press—lives. If I had started there, I would have been reported before I could reach Formosa.
Q: Why didn’t you choose to strike Hong Kong first instead of Wuhan?
A: I didn’t want to be bothered by millions of demonstrators. The people of Wuhan are so passive and quiet; even you can be their mayor without an election.
Q: What were you looking for in Italy, thousands of miles away from your homeland? Did you just want to travel?
A: I had to consider the future of my next generation.
Q: What?!
A: Because Italy is the last part of the Belt and Road Initiative of China (BRI). The Italian government is the only supporter of the BRI in Europe.
Q: Why do you care about the BRI?
A: The BRI is my future garden. I will distribute my offspring to feed there.
Q: You skipped over Pakistan and crossed to Iran. What is in Iran for you?
A: I love all the close allies of the CCP in the world: it is only speculation that I have skipped Pakistan.
Q: I noticed that you have not been reported in Kazakhstan or Kyrgyzstan so far?
A: In these countries, politicians’ minds are over-focused on the money of China; they don’t hear the signals of their stomachs and lungs, so they don’t feel even when I am flourishing there.
Q: Why did you dare to jump to the US where your enemy—the free press—is the strongest?
A: I want to replace the US on the world’s stage as a superpower before China does.
Q: It makes no sense to see you in South Korea; isn’t it outside of your future garden?
A: That was a mistake. I jumped to South Korea when I followed a Wuhanian; they look so much alike, and Wuhanians are so tasty and attractive to me.
Q: You went to Brazil too, but not East Turkistan(AKA Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region), not far from your birthplace, Wuhan. Why?
A: There are 3 million Uyghurs in the concentration camps over there; I am in no rush to go there, the camps make it easy to catch and feed on them. They are my stockpile.
Q: There are nearly 10 million Uyghurs out of the camp, haven’t you heard?
A: I know. I don’t need to go there now because the CCP brings them to me. Don’t you believe me? Look at the forced laborers in factories in China.
Q: What you think about Mr. Tedros Adhanom, the chief of the World Health Organization (WHO)?
A: You can’t trick me. I can tell by what he’s said and done that he is a spokesperson for China’s State Security Department. He is a wonderful guy.
Q: What is your goal in the near future?
A: To attend the Olympics 2022 in Beijing.
Q: And what is your ultimate goal?
A: Sweeping humanity off the earth.
Q: Whom do you feel you owe for your successful movement?
A: CCP! If they had not hidden me in my first three months of burgeoning—November, December, and January—helping me grow in Wuhan, I wouldn’t be here today, with all my strength and viciousness.
Q: Who would you look for help in your movement if you encountered an obstacle in the road?
A: China’s King Xi Jinping, because he has great experience in making and expanding concentration camps in the 21st century, which I greatly appreciate.
Q: What is your dream?
A: I want to marry Xi Jinping as soon as I finish sweeping humanity off the earth.
Q: Your two would be king and queen of the earth?
A: Yes, exactly.
Q: What would be the fate of Peng Liyuan, Xi Jinping’s wife?
A: She would hold a special position on the wedding night of the King and Queen of the earth.
Q: Would she sing?
A: I want to be honest with Xi and Peng. Their Chinese dream would become a nightmare that night.
Q: How?
A: You human beings are dying from just my touch on your lung; imagine if you felt me somewhere in your soft and vulnerable body. ………